There’s a visual that’s been changing how I show up each day:
Imagine yourself as a little you doing a school play and as you’re about to start, you take a peek from behind the curtain to see if your desired person is in the audience. Did that person show up?
The me in the visual oscillates between younger me and current me waiting on my desired self in the audience. I noticed that this visual comes up when I’m having trouble doing what I’ve said I’m going to do. For example: I’ve been trying to get back into my 5 AMs and after a summer of sleeping in and enjoying my days leisurely .. the 5AMs are fucking brutal. I’ve opted for 5:30 or 5:55 to give myself enough time to meditate and journal before I get breakfast started for my family. My alarm went off the other day and as I went to set it off, I paused. There was a moment as I was about to set my alarm for 10 mins later where I felt the current me behind the curtain looking out into the audience. But the sleep would feel so nice.. I tried to convince myself. I set the alarm and laid back down but as I tried to sleep, I kept thinking about the girl behind the curtain. Two minutes felt like an eternity as my mind felt clouded with what would make me feel most proud of myself : the extra 10 minutes of sleep or the 10 minutes of meditation before the start of my day. I peeled myself up and out of the bed and sleepily walked out into the living room. Through blurry eyes started up a Joe Dispenza meditation for morning gratitude and let it penetrate my awakening brain. I felt myself in the haze of the in between but as I was coming out of it, I also felt my mind find the joy. I was showing up as the desired me for the current me. It didn’t look perfect but it also didn’t have to. After my meditation, I sat down, grabbed my journal and filled it with gratitude for the day ahead, the time spent with myself in a meditative state, the sky, the joys of having the most amazing family, and so on. The joy I felt about the morning grew like a fresh balloon being blown into by a child. Starting the kettle felt sweeter than expected, so did the smell of the ground coffee beans. The pink sky smiled at me when I shoved my face into the window to greet the awakening sun. And my family enveloped me as they came out of the rooms to start their days. Throughout the day, I found myself going back to the morning, back to the decision of staying in bed or starting my morning routine. I hadn’t realized the pride I took in waking up to meditate, practice some gratitude, and start my morning off slowly and by pouring into myself. It not only honored what I said I would do but it gave me a chance to see that I am aligned with my desired self. It gave me a chance to be the desired self in the audience for the current self that was looking for their person to show up. The effects rippling throughout my day felt like a bonus to the greatness I was already feeling.
This visual was a sweet reminder of what it’s like to want someone to show up for you. It was also the reminder of what it’s like to show up for someone you love. As I keep growing deeper into myself and coming home to myself, these little moments make the journey really sweet. It was never about being your “best” or “highest” self, it’s always been about being who you want to be, your most desired self. Seeing just how accessible that is has kept me going. I’ve happily woken up at a desired time and engaged with my mornings as my desired self would and thus far, my days have felt incredibly sweet. I’m grateful for a lot and I’m including myself in that gratitude. Showing up isn’t always easy, but fuck does it feel good.