yerrrrrrrrrrrrr,
i've been in a really transformative space where I'm consciously trying to make sure that joy leads my everyday. it's weird as FUCK because i think so many of us (myself included) let our fears and worries lead us. we let what we ‘don’t want' to show us the way.
this morning as i was journaling, i wondered:
if we're always waiting for the shoe to drop, are we subconsciously telling the universe that we won't actually be okay until it does? what's the message we deliver if we're simply waiting for doom. does the universe then deliver the doom so we can find joy in feeling how right we were that it was bound to happen?
fucked cycle isn't it? i decided that i didn't want to live with the expectation of doom anymore. i didn't want to wait for the shoe to drop. i didn't want to feel good when the inevitable doom arrived because it would confirm my knowingness. i didn't want to be creator of my fears and worries by zeroing in on them every day, by looking for them everyday, by fueling them everyday. after all, what use was it? why would it bring me satisfaction to know i was right about something that would make me feel so bad? Is that the bar I'm setting for myself?
i didn't. i don't. it was simply familiar because i kept rewriting that story - the one where all of my fears, worries, and suspicions could become a reality. so i stared de-familiarizing by visualizing and imagining the things i did want. and NO it isn't that easy, nor do the visualizations and manifestations come out clean and clear and under control either. this shit takes work. and now i get why people rather not engage in it. there's no diss to ‘em, it is a lot. i just decided that it was the version of a lot i wanted.
i want a lot of good visualizations and thoughts. i wanted a lot of joyous wondering. i wanted a lot of manifesting the reality i want. i want to feel good and sitting here ruminating over the past or shitty what ifs was not adding to my feel good desires. so i fought for that harder than i was fighting for my fears. and i still am.
if you're one of those fearful humans out here in the world waiting for the shoe to drop, give yourself this:
maybe there is no shoe.
or if the shoe drops, theres just a shoe on the floor. you can pick it up or leave it there. OR walk away from it, but you've got options.
or maybe the shoe will drop AND you'll be just fine because you can handle what comes your way.
we're never as fragile as we feel or as we think we are. but if we keep waiting for the world to show us that, we'll forever be at the hands of things out of our control.